Having only recently gotten into running and having waddled through a few 5K's (and one 8K) this year, and being so slow I have time to observe things at these races, I have cataloged 27 types of runners and I think you'll agree you've seen them too.
The little prodigy. Sometimes this is the 9 year-old who blows past you on an uphill somewhere in the middle of the race and leaves you feeling ashamed of yourself. But more often this kid wins his age group with a 32 minute time, but gets a bigger cheer than you do for breaking 20 for the first time after 11 years of work.
The kid who was forced into it. You won’t see much of this kid if you run sub ten minute miles, but he’s often in the back of the pack with his mother who was hoping to run the whole way, but instead has spent the last 40 minutes alternating between encouraging and threatening this walking tear factory.
The hippie. Yep, this guy got into running at the same time he got into granola. He wears a bandana, a tie dye running shirt and has long gray hair. Even though he thinks he is a health nut, he smokes his performance enhancing drugs.
Bald guy. Not really talking about us middle aged men who can’t help it, but this is the guy who shaved his head for competitive reasons. He feels he’ll be more aerodynamic, cooler, and that the loss of the 3 ounces of weight will translate into 0.22 seconds off his time. At some point during the race the low sun will reflect off his head and temporarily blind you. Actually, the shaved head works as he improves his time from 33:18.00 to 33:17.97.
The octogenarian. We all love to see this dude, or dudette, out on the course. As long as they don’t beat us. It is very unbecoming to blow past in them last 20 meters to snatch 783rd place from them.
The high school cross country kid. They don’t know it, but they make all of us grown ups depressed. We just pretty much wish we were them. They finish the race and dance around like bunnies. They are just running easy to stay in shape for Wednesday’s meet so they talk casually while clocking some time in which we couldn’t run a 2 miler, and they have to wear some shirt with the name of every kid who ran in last years regional championship written on the back of it. Mostly we’re just thinking, I could have run cross country in high school, but I didn’t even know what it was when I was sixteen. Sigh.
The college sorority girls. At some point during some kind of meeting of the Alpha Tow Yabba Dabbas one of the girls decides they should train for this race. “We’ll get in shape and we’ll be doing community service since all the money is being donated to whales with tennis elbow!” Wouldn’t be a problem but several men run their slowest times trying to stay behind these girls for the view.
The strange middle age man out to pick up chicks. This guy knows that running has just made him look so hot that the girls won’t be able to resist him after the race. He fails to realize that he is sweating, smells bad and basically looks more like he has a tape worm than like he is James Bond. Recognizable by the “Distance Runners Do It Longer” t-shirt.
The lady trying to get into shape, but who doesn’t quite get into her shorts. Seriously, I love seeing the people in my weight category getting out there and getting in shape, but some of the women are making the wrong clothing decisions. Back in my part of the pack, I am often in fear that some of that skin tight clothing is just going to give way and there will be an explosion of epic proportions.
The super overweight dude. This one is me. I am suffering more than any of you. You 112 pound men running 15:30’s think you know what Prefontaine pain is. Hurrumph! Try getting to the first mile mark and the guy’s not calling out times anymore, he’s calling out the day of the week! You’ll see these guys come in well after you’ve eaten all the good snacks. He’ll look like he just got out of the pool except that red color isn’t sunburn. You’ll seriously glance around to make sure that the rescue squad is there as he plops in the middle of the road as he crosses the finish line. Don’t feel too superior. In another two years this guy will be clocking sub 4 marathons.
The person out there because they believe in the cause. You know they’re not a runner. The women often have on more make-up than Tammy Faye Baker and the men have decided to wear boots, jeans, and a polo shirt. They have no idea of running etiquette and could stop right in front of you at any time.
The ringer. This person researched last year’s times on the Internet looking for a race where there wasn’t much competition in their age group and drove 7 hours and booked a hotel so they could win a medal worth $4.50 and a $20.00 gift certificate to Dick’s.
The elite runner. This person is simply awesome. They try to make you think that running sub 16’s comes easily to them, but they’re actually obsessive compulsive about running. They have done it all: intervals, hills, strides, long slow runs, fartleks, cross training, steroids, blood doping, diets, witchcraft and the Psychic Hotline. They have different types of shoes for various weather and pavement conditions. We’ll never know what really made them fast. Somebody else paid the entry fee for them because we should be honored just to have them in our race. The elite runners in your 5K never made the Olympics, but it will always be whispered how they were an “alternate” or how tendonitis kept them from going to the show.
The walker. These people actually pay money to go for a stroll in their own neighborhood. If you ever wait around to see what they’re doing back there you’ll see they’re just talking about what they’re having for dinner that night and the kids’ last ballet practice. They are totally oblivious to the fact that the rest of us are waiting for them so we can find out who came in third place in the women’s 55-59 age group.
The veteran. This guy was running a long time before you and me and he wants you to know it. He will tell you stories about the race back in ’88 when the temperature was 20 below and he’ll be wearing the T-shirt from the race to prove it. He knows everybody at the race and simply must speak to them and remind them of the first time they raced together.
The Statistician (Human Calculator). This guy may not be the best runner but he can convert miles to kilometers at light speed and figure out what your splits are just like magic. He’ll tell you what you should be running each K at if you want negative 8% splits or what your 5K time will translate to if you decide to run some odd pi K that the local math club is sponsoring.
The cross trainer. Runs just to get in shape for their real sport. The real sport could be anything, but it’s always soccer or lacrosse since basketball, baseball, hockey and football players don’t really see the point in paying money to do conditioning. You’ll have to check their t-shirt to find out whether it’s soccer or lacrosse. Don’t make a joke about their sports, they’re here to work and they left their sense of humor at home.
The marathoner using this as her warm up. This person might be training for Boston or just for Podunk, but their local track club coach told them it would be a good idea to run this. If you come out real early you’ll find out that they actually ran the course once before the race. If you’re one of the slower runners you’ll see them lapping you after the race as they tack on another easy three miles, or they’ll run back towards you. If you had any energy you’d murder them and if the judge was a fat guy, he’d dismiss the charges.
Stroller pushers. Really? Are babysitters that hard to find? I can’t see how pushing a baby around for 3.1 miles makes the local 5K more enjoyable.
Costume people. They think that they’re being festive and that they make everyone enjoy the event more. Let me tell you, when you spend the whole race trying to pass a couple of men ahead of you dressed like Sponge Bob and Patrick, it’s not as uplifting as you might think.
Ankle weight dudes. Apparently this person’s philosophy is that he is so awesome that he needs to be handicapped so the rest of us have a chance. This guy is usually built like a Greek god and has several hypodermic needles in the back of his Pinto. Most often seen at events sponsored by the military.
Nearly naked runners. If you’ve been to any July race you’ve seen these guys. The man who runs in little more than Speedo’s and has attached his number in a place where no person at the finish line is willing to tear off his tag. The 59 year-old woman in the sports bra and panty shorts who somehow manages to stay in your field of vision for the entire race is another member of this group.
Leather skins. These are the people winning the 30-34 year old age group who look like 75 year-old lifeguards. One thing these people will accomplish is that they will send you running to the drug store for SPF 5000 sunblock.
Snack Snatchers. These are runners of all shapes and sizes who do not win their age group, but are determined to get their entry fee back in Little Debbies, bananas, oranges and Gatorades. Some just brazenly walk up and take a couple of armfuls, while others simply make multiple trips and don’t leave until they have eaten their body weight in breakfast pastries.
High Tech Heroes. These people come out and run the race with $400 shoes and a utility belt of gadgets. Their sunglasses keep out type Q UV rays which have been scientifically proven to slow down runners. They don’t wear watches; they wear GPS devices. The songs on their i-pod have been selected to end exactly at their goal time and are synchronized with the hills of the course. Somehow they manage to spend over $4000 per year on gear for RUNNING.
Human Billboard. This person is apparently sponsored by businesses because their shirt, shorts and hats have all sorts of little ads on them. I’m never quite sure why Nike or Reebok decided to sponsor this lady who is coming in 17th in her age group, but it’s inconceivable to me that she would pay money to wear clothes that advertise some company in which she doesn't have partial ownership.
The Scientist. May get so involved in his lectures on VO8 max levels and the physiology of recovery that he actually forgets to run the race. If you don’t run a PR, then don’t tell this guy as he will corner you for an hour explaining how the latest training routines of Lithuanian distance runners have been scientifically proven to boost your hemoglobin levels and will shave 5 minutes off of your time as long as you control your Remiordin Cycles by eating a diet high in mitochlorians or something.
The Stunt Runner. This person is usually found in larger races where he or she knows there will be plenty of spectators to see them juggling or running backwards. These runners tend to have accidents due to not looking where they're going and being assaulted by the housewives in the 10 minute mile group.